Hello, my name is Maggie Sheffield, and I'm a total geek.
You are so immature. / Yeah, Brighten, you're so immature.
Ha, ha, ha.
Miss Fine, you're mother's 50?
Isn't she stretching the truth just a tad?
Please, the only thing stretched more is Clinton's bicycle shorts.
Fifty billion served and that's the white house.
Gee, I wonder if my daughter Fran is at home.
I will see if she is.
Come on, kids, get ready.
Fran, how come we're practicing the surprise party? Then it won't be a surprise.
Oh, sweetie, at your age a surprise is a big thrill.
At her age, they're already rubbing two paddles together and yelling clear.
Surprise! / Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ma, I hope you fake it better with daddy.
I was his first. What does he know?
Excuse me, Miss Sylvia, I just want to double-check the menu.
Meat balls, cocktail franks, cheese puffs --
is there some reason you don't want your family to handle silverware?
Darling, don't you know?
If it's on a toothpick, it's not fattening. / Oh ...
Yeah, my Aunt Frita uses two like chopsticks.
She looks like a very heavily made-up praying mantis.
Are there going to be any boys my age at this party?
Maybe we can fix her up with little Cousin Irvie.
Oh, he's a nice boy with a wonderful personality.
Oh, Yeah, good idea, Ma. Is he still ringing the bill at Notre Dame?
Don't worry, don't worry. When I see him coming, I'll give you a very subtle sign.
Ah, there's the birthday girl.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're such a doll letting us have my party here.
You know, we only have one toilet and, um,
Morty's brothers are all coming.
Oh, oh, that reminds me. Sweetie, go put an Airwick Solid in every bathroom.
So, Miss Babcock, are you coming to my surprise party?
I'm afraid not. / And it's just killing us.
We're taking the train to Gene Shallots for the weekend.
Gene Shallot ... Hoo-ha.
Is he sexy or what?
Ma, Gene Shallot sexy?
Oh, you gotta stop inhaling when you spray your hair.
They're having a little gathering before the Tony nominations.
Maxwell and I are sharing a guest cottage right by the water.
How convenient, sir, should you want to drown yourself.
Oh, Miss Fine, here.
Allow me to contribute this exquisite Chanbertin to your mother's party.
Maxwell, I thought this wine was for our weekend.
I don't think the Fines would appreciate a vintage Burgundy.
Yes, we're very big on vintage beverages.
In our storage bin we've got a case of Tab from the Bay of Pigs.
All right. Maxwell, I'll meet you at the station.
I want to pick up the perfect hostess gift for the Shallots.
What do you think would just make their weekend? / Miss the train.
This will be a great party, a bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.
Learn to love it. That's as close to a woman as you'll ever get.
I have two words for you. Cousin Irvie.
Just think of this party as an educational experience.
Pretend you're Dian Fossey observing the gorillas.
Just don't get too close when they eat. You could lose a hand that way.
What's all that gunk at the bottom of the bottle?
Um, honey, that's the best part. It's the wine concentrate.
Oh, my God. What are you doing with Mr. Sheffield's best Burgundy?
I'm making a sangria.
Does it need more Equal?
Two more packs.
Oh, Miss Fine, using that wine to make sangria
is like asking Pavarotti to sing "Muscrat Love."
He should only have the career Captain and Tonille.
Oh, kids, before I forget, go dig out my Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass album.
I really want this party to cook.
Oh, Niles, I thought that you made dip.
I did. That's portobello mushrooms, shallots, and chives.
Oh, now, I'm going to have to go to the store and get some onion soup mix.
Oh, I had to get the Pringles anyway.
Cheer up. Did I mention my Cousin Sophie is coming today?
Don't tell me. She's smart and has a wonderful personality.
No. She's dumb as a post, but she's built like a brick --/ Say no more.
Just give me a subtle signal.
Where's Maxwell? / Oh, I thought he was meeting you at the station.
He already left. / Niles!
I called and said that I would pick him up here.
I told you to give him the message.
Oh, I thought you said give him a message.
I didn't think that was appropriate.
I'm not going to let anything bother me this weekend.
As long as I'm here, I might as well pick up a little wine.
Put Maxwell in the mood. Did I tell you we have a private compartment?
And tonight there's a full moon.
Well, I hope she packed a lot of Nair.
Luck be a lady tonight.
Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with,
luck be a lady to --
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, no.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I can't believe this has happened.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ahhhhhhh.
Okay, there must be another way out of here.
Miss Babcock, I OD'd on the Equal. Could you pass me another bottle of Burgundy?
Oh, Nanny Fine, I love you.
You fool ...
Boy, do you blow hot and cold.
You know, a lot of women go through their change early. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
You let the door close and now we're trapped in here,
and I'm going to miss my train. / Okay, calm down. Don't panic.
Maybe I can fix it. Geez ...
No ... Help! Help! Help! Help!!!
Save it. No one's going to hear you. This was originally built as a bomb shelter.
Hey, don't underestimate the power of these adenoids.
I once had next door neighbors that moved closer to the airport.
Hey, this room is very small, isn't it?
Why? Are you claustrophobic? / Oh, thank you.
Now you put it in my head,
and I'm reliving -- Loeman's -- dressing room
-- big sale -- 200 naked women all screaming
"Where did you find that?"
I was clinging to my mother's girdle.
Dimples, dimples, everywhere.
And not one on the face.
And then, and then, and then ...
Look, an alarm box. You know, if we cut the wires,
we can trip the system and the cops will come and find us.
What have you got?
Ah ... Nail clippers! / Excellent ...
Well, either that alarm is way too subtle
or
I cut the fan off.
And now we can't breathe. Oh, by the way ...
What did you do that for?
Weren't you hysterical? / No.
Oh, my mistake.
Remember, when she walks in,
we all yell "Surprise."
Why?
Because it's your daughter's 50th birthday.
50? She's got brassieres older than that.
If she's 50, then I'm --
what do you know, she's 50.
I wonder if my daughter Fran is home?
I will see if she is.
Surprise!
Will you wait till she walks in.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea.
Look at me. We were on our way to see "Shore Shank Redemption."
Schmooze, come meet your Uncle Stanley.
What are you talking about?
Just go along with me.
Stan, look, Schmooze, you haven't seen him since he was this tall.
He's getting bar mitzvahed while you're on your cruise.
Sorry I'm going to miss it.
Here. This is from me and your Aunt Cookie.
Oh, thank you very much.
We split everything 50/50.
Oh, I can't believe I'm missing the party.
I mean how often does your mother turn 50? Two, three times?
Here, have a drink. It'll calm you down.
I don't drink.
What do you do when you're tense? / Hair.
What? / I do hair.
Don't even think about it.
Fine.
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall,
ninety-nine bottles of beer --
Can you do a nice little French twist?
So severe you want? Well, let me see what I can do.
So tell me, what's doing?
I can't believe this is happening.
This was supposed to be the weekend when Maxwell and I ...
Go ahead. I'm listening.
Well, last time we came this close. / Uh-huh. Tilt.
We were coming back from a production in Sidney
when our plane had to make an emergency landing in the Fiji Islands.
It was off season so it was deserted. Well, you can use your imagination.
Paint me a picture. Pretend, I can't.
We were in the bar; we'd had a few cocktails.
Maxwell had that look in his eye. / Uh-huh.
Well, he was too much of a gentleman.
Let me get this straight.
He was drunk; you were the only woman on a deserted island,
and he still didn't touch you ...
And you thought Gene Shallot was going to get him in the mood.
I'm very worried about Fran.
Maybe she stopped to get your present?
She already gave me one.
What did you get me?
Did you forget, Ma?
Forget my little girl? Don't insult me.
It's out there with all the other presents.
Oh, Ma ...
Pssssss.
Get out there and put this on the biggest box.
Mint Chocolate Chip,
Jamoca Almond Fudge,
Pralines and Cream,
that's it. That's 30.
Oh, my God. They lied.
Why? Thirty's a lot. Is 31 so catchy?
Oh, wait a minute. I forgot the sherberts.
All right. I'll start again.
Vanilla -- / Stop it!
You know, this reminds me of when Blair and Tootie got caught in Mrs. Garrett's walk-in freezer.
Thank God Natalie went in for a midnight snack. Surprise, surprise.
These are the topics we can no longer discuss.
What Woolite can and cannot do.
Anyone with the last name Cassidy,
odd shaped moles on Eastern Europeans.
All right. Okay, but you're really restricting the conversation.
Meanwhile, look how gorgeous your hair looks.
I got one word for you.
Styrofoam.
But that's not biodegradable. / Who's asking you to eat it?
Hi. / Hi
What are you doing hiding over here by yourself?
Well, actually, I'm trying to avoid running into this geek, Irvie.
I'm Maggie. / I'm Irvie.
Good, Lord.
What are you doing home?
Niles, what is going on here? Look at this place. Where's Miss Fine?
Oh, she's missing. / Missing?
Ssshhh. Keep your voice down, sir. I don't want to alarm anyone.
This is very strange, Niles. Miss Babcock's gone missing too. / Yippee!
Why won't you play truth or dare? / Because all your truths are so boring.
Come on ... / No.
I'll let you do my makeup. / Okay.
Okey-dokey. Ask me. / Truth or dare.
Um, I pick truth.
Okay, if you could spend the night with anyone,
who would it be? We both know. Game's over. Suck in your cheeks.
You never know. My answer may surprise you.
All right. Shoot.
It's Maxwell.
Get out of town.
Well, to think that right now we could both be lying in front of a fire,
my head on his chest, him gently stroking my hair.
Honey, take some deep breaths. You're running out of oxygen.
You're right. Who am I kidding? He doesn't care about me.
My therapist says I'm obsessed with him.
How much did you have to pay to find that out?
If only he weren't so darn attractive.
He is cute. / Tell me about it.
That little gray streak in his hair just makes me want to hummmm.
Now, you see, that would be the first thing I'd get rid of.
Too Pepy LePew.
Have you ever seen him in a bathing suit? / No. Aha!
Too bad.
I've seen him naked, though. Does that count?
When? / Oh, relax. It was an accident. I walked in on him in the shower.
Forget it. He locks now.
The truth is he's ruined me for other men, you know?
You? Next to Mr. Sheffield,
all the guys that I date seem like real morons.
Gee, I wonder if that's cause all the guys that I date are morons?
At least you date. I'm going to wake up one morning a dried-up old spinster.
Quiet. Wait.
Oh, if that didn't bring Niles down, we're doomed.
Who cares. I might as well die. Then I can at least haunt Maxwell.
And don't think I won't be shaking a few chains in the butler's pantry.
Stop it. You're scaring me.
Oh, who cares, Nanny Fine, face it,
get out of this house while you can, or you're going to end up just like me.
No!
Oh, there you are. We've been looking all over for you.
Hey, stand back. Stay away from us, you destroyer of girls' lives.
What? / Go, tell him, sister.
Maxwell, thank God ...
She never shuts up.
She's been saying the most terrible things about you.
Ladies, ladies, calm down. Let's go upstairs where we can talk about this.
You're obviously very shaken after your ordeal --
Cee Cee, have you done something with your hair?
Miss Babcock ... / What?
You left your purse.
Darling, this was the best party ever.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
You know, next year I think we should invest in a new "Happy 50th Banner."
This one says "Vote Dukakis" on the back.
Good night. / Good night.
So, Niles, did you let it out? / Yes. And the villagers were not happy.
Meanwhile, where have you been for the last hour?
So you met my Cousin Sophie, nice, huh? / Yousa!
Oh, come on, Yetta, Daddy's honking.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
And if you find a nice diamond cocktail ring,
you could send it to me at the home.
Yetta, you don't have a diamond cocktail ring.
I'm just saying if you find one.
Some night, huh? / What?
Well, I just can't help thinking about you and Miss Babcock being stuck together.
I mean, what on earth did you find to talk about?
Oh, you know, this and that. Your hair came up.
Really? / Yeah, she don't like it. She thinks you look like Pepy LePew
Miss Fine, can I tell you something in confidence?
It's, it's about Miss Babcock. / I'm all ears.
Well, I, I rather think she has a thing for me.
Get out of town.
Well, since we're exchanging confidences, she did mention
that close encounter on Fiji.
Oh, I remember that. / Cocktails in the bar?
No, quinine at the British Consulate. I was taken deathly ill.
They rushed me to the hospital. I was delirious for days.
Well, apparently delirium ran rampant on that trip.
Beg your pardon? / Oh, nothing.
I'm just sorry that you had to miss your weekend at Gene Shallot's.
Actually, I felt like I was there.
Your Aunt Ida bears a striking resemblance to him.
You know, I told her, if she was going to dye her hair,
do the mustache too.
That's 75 for you
and 185 for me.
Hey, you said 50/50. That's not fair.
Let's talk fair. You live in a mansion. I live in a home.
You got your whole life ahead of you. I got one, two weeks tops.
You can eat corn. Here, let me show you something.
Oh, take it. Take it all.